Things have been very rocky in my life and I must admit, marriage hasn’t been great either. Pregnancy with Ariana was of course great. Everyone gets excited when it’s their first child and pregnancy was a breeze. I didn’t even feel like I was pregnant. During my pregnancy with Ameera, however, I wasnt a very happy person, but of course I have my crazy pregnancy hormones to blame for that. Iwas depressed and very lonely. At the same time, I didnt get very much support emotionally. My family is the kind that live and let live. We all have problems, we deal with them. My husband didnt really know how to handle the situation and he decided to either work overtime or spend his free time playing PES or FIFA with his friends. Understood but still, not a way to deal with things. I mean, we tried to do date nights and stuff but it seemed like the only place we’d go together was grocery shopping.
Since I donned the hijab, life changed drastically social wise.. I have never really had many friends to begin with and the friends I did have moved away or moved on. I mean, when you’re a party girl and suddenly put a scarf on your head and convert into an introvert because you’re afraid of what people may say about you, yeah, it’s tough. But alhamdulillah, I got over all that in due time.
Since the beginning, I had always been asked about my “hijab story” and of course i tell alot of truth about it but there are a few things I never did really mention. Okay… Everyone knows that my husband at the time had just recently went for his hajj and honestly, even after he came back, I was still out partying and whatever.. He was even my designated driver.. He never did force me into it.. and that was another question I had always been asked; did your husband make you wear it? so there’s the answer.. no.. he didn’t..
During this time, we were always hanging out with a very good friend of Syeds (my husband) and he was a very well eduated person when it came to religion. He wasn’t super duper religious but when I had thoughts or questions, I would go to him and would trust the advice or knowledge he would share with me and he would even layan me when I start to argue about the things he tells me.. But unfortunately he and Syed are no longer friends for some crazy (you don’t need to know) reason.. ANYWAY!! He was the one who figuratively speaking gave me a slap in the face..
We were talking one day and he told me that i should start praying.. To be honest, I never really knew how to pray.. I told him that I needed to know what I was saying before i actually performed the actions. I found it useless to pray if I didn’t understand what I was saying……….
When he and Syed would get together and pray, I would always ask them to wait for me because i wanted to join in.. I would get really upset because they never really took their time after the iqamah to get “in the zone” before they takbir into the first rakaat.. I was the type that needed to take that deep breathe and prepare myself to bow for my Maker. and they found it funny yet logical. So then, alhamdulillah, they took their time after that.
……… then he said one thing which just changed everything..
“don’t make Syed suffer.. If you pray, at least that would help him enter the gates of heaven..”
I never thought of it like that.. and i definately didn’t want Syed to rot in hell.. I loved him too much.. So, of course, i started crying..
After the conversation, Syed asked me what his friend had said to me but I didn’t tell him because I was told not to. Even after he and Syeds friendship had a falling out, i said nothing.. But I did tell him recently because we are no longer together and I thought it would mean something to him..
When I started praying.. initially, it wasn’t for God, it was more to save Syed from the hellfire.. But when I donned the hijab, THAT I did for my Rabb..Once I had started praying, the drink was stopped as well.. I still went out but it was all alcohol free… I mean, I LOVE dancing.. I can have alot of fun without the drink and i knew that even before I started praying.. Give me a can of coke and i can dance the night away! LOL.. I don’t miss the drink to be honest but i do miss the dance floor and the crazy fun I had with my bestest friends..
But I found something I never thought I would.. I found a group of amazing women.. Thanks to a good friend of mine, Sheahnee, I wouldn’t have met these women if it weren’t for her.. It started out as a group of women from different ages, backgrounds and not to mention, places, who would get together on a weekly basis (with one traveling all the way from Penang at the time) and just talk about the Qur’an.. We were led by an ultimately amazing woman, Dr Har..
Which started out with a group of 15 of us, we shrunk and grown over time.. We have developed so much love for each other, so strong, nothing can break us.. These amazing women have been my backbone over the past 4 years.. with the crazy rollercoaster lives we have, we have been each others support system; religiously, mentally and emotionally, lifting each other up and getting back on track towards the deen.. from family problems to parenting problems to cooking to school events to tolong isi petrol (haha! KIDDING UMIE!) and even jokes.. we have laughed and cried together so much, if there’s anything I could call them, I would call them family! I am truly blessed to have had them cross my lifes path and i hope they feel the same.
In a couple of weeks, I will be moving to Perhentian and I’m bringing Ariana and Ameera along with me. Nope.. hubs tak ikut.. that’s another story.. LOL.. But I must say, I’m gonna miss these women tremendously.. maybe not as much as i miss dancing (I KID! I KID!) but wallahi I’m gonna miss them!! Alhamdulillah for technology.. we’re only a whatsapp message away.. but like my darling friend Umie Isa said, “Distanced in Dunya, Neighbours in Jannah.”
Honestly, this post started out as a story about how difficult it was for me to being parent and thought I would be an awesome mother before i had children but foind myself a failure.. and somehow it turned into a “hajib story”.. so i decided to delete my opening statement about how crap of a mother i felt i was.. LOL.. see what kind of effect these women have have on me???
May God bless you ladies immensely! May He grant you and your families the best of health. May He allow us to cross paths again in the near future (it better be visiting me in perhentian!!) and may He ease all your affairs.. Whatever you may come across, remember, He is the best of planners. Allah does not burden ones soul more than he can bear.
hashtag, flipshair… LOL!! had to slip that in somewhere.. hahahaha!!